I used to blame my parents for so many things — the way they talked to me, the way they didn’t understand, the way they seemed to get it wrong. But when I became a parent myself, something shifted. Suddenly, I saw how hard it really is — the constant choices, the exhaustion, the invisible pressure to get everything right. That’s when I began to see them differently.
Learning to Forgive Our Parents and Ourselves
There comes a time in every adult’s life when we look back and begin to see our parents not as heroes or villains, but as human beings — fragile, flawed, and doing the best they could with what they knew.
That realization can be unsettling at first. But it is also the beginning of compassion, the kind that heals generations.
They Were Learning, Just as We Are
When our parents became parents, they didn’t receive a step-by-step guide. There was no “perfect manual for raising emotionally healthy humans.” They entered parenthood with a mix of love, fear, and guesswork — just as we did.
Some were still very young themselves, barely finished learning how to manage their own emotions. Others had already been carrying years of stress, disappointment, or trauma. Imagine trying to parent a baby while dealing with an unstable marriage, money worries, or grief that was never spoken about. These were the invisible realities shaping their patience, their tone of voice, their choices.
Most did what humans have always done: they repeated what they had seen growing up — or tried to do the opposite.
If their own childhood was strict and cold, they may have tried to be more relaxed and warm. If it was chaotic and unpredictable, they may have become overly controlling, believing structure equals safety.
And yet, in trying to correct one extreme, they often created another.
The Confusion of Conflicting Advice
Even those who wanted to “do better” were met with a storm of contradictory messages.
One book said: “Let your baby cry, or he’ll become spoiled.”
Another warned: “Never let a baby cry — it damages trust.”
A friend said: “Co-sleeping is dangerous.”
Another swore: “Co-sleeping builds security.”
How could they know what was truly right? Parenting, then as now, was an act of trial and error — guided by love but limited by confusion.
I often think of the first child as a kind of “experiment.” Parents try to apply everything they’ve read, every fear and hope mixed into each decision. By the time the second or third child arrives, they’re a little more confident — or maybe more exhausted. They might let some rules slide, realizing that rigidity doesn’t guarantee peace. Each child meets a different version of the same parent.
We Inherited More Than Their Habits
Science now confirms what ancient wisdom already knew: emotional patterns can be passed down through generations.
When a parent suppresses their emotions, a child often learns to do the same — not because they’re told to, but because the nervous system mirrors what it witnesses.
A mother who constantly sacrifices her own needs teaches her daughter, without words, that self-denial is love.
A father who avoids conflict shows his son that silence equals safety.
These inherited patterns are not moral failures; they’re survival codes. They helped our parents navigate their own world, but they don’t always fit ours. Recognizing this difference is not about blame — it’s about liberation.
Forgiveness as a Path to Awareness
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending harm didn’t happen. It means understanding the context that shaped it.
When we look at our parents through the lens of empathy rather than expectation, something softens. We realize that most hurt was never intentional — it was the result of unhealed wounds, outdated beliefs, or pure overwhelm.
I often invite parents to visualize their mother or father as a young child — the age when they first felt unseen or unsafe. What did that little version of your parent need? Safety? Encouragement? Love that wasn’t conditional?
When we see that child, it becomes easier to understand the adult they became.
The Circle Continues
Even with all the modern knowledge we now have — parenting podcasts, research on attachment, brain development, gentle parenting movements — we still lose our tempers. We still say things we regret.
We’re more informed, yes, but we’re also busier, more distracted, and often emotionally depleted.
That’s why the same compassion we extend backward must also move forward.
Our children will one day look at us with the same mixture of love and confusion. They’ll see our blind spots. They’ll name the moments we failed to understand them. And hopefully, they’ll forgive us — because they’ll know we, too, were learning.
The Healing Begins with Awareness
Forgiveness doesn’t erase pain. It transforms it into understanding.
When we forgive our parents, we free ourselves from repeating their emotional patterns unconsciously.
When we forgive ourselves, we model humility and growth for our children.
You can begin this healing quietly, even today:
- Write a letter to your parents that you never have to send. Say what you wish they had known.
- Reflect on the traits you’ve inherited — and decide which ones to keep and which to release.
- When you lose patience with your own child, whisper, “I’m sorry. I’m learning.” That sentence alone breaks generations of silence.
In the End
Our parents were never meant to be perfect — and neither are we.
We are all souls walking each other home through the messy, sacred landscape of human growth.
When we forgive the ones who raised us and the one we’re still becoming, we close the loop of blame and open the circle of awareness.
And that, truly, is how healing becomes heritage. 🌱